And then I chucked the book across the room...

The moment I read the words 'The End' I screamed with frustration and threw the book across my bed and watched it land with an almighty thud against the wooden floorboards.

"Are you okay, babe?" asked my husband, looking up from a book on Napoleon.
"No I am not okay!" I wailed. "That book was the worst book I think I have ever read. And I have read a lot of books in my time."
"You've written a few, too," the hubby suggested, now cowering behind Napoleon.
"Exactly, so I should be a little less harsh than your average reviewer, but... arrrrgggh!"
"You didn't like it?"
I glared at him, rolled over, and tried to block it from my mind as I attempted to fall asleep. It was like blocking out the sun in the Sahara.

So what book got me so riled up and kept me tossing and turning all night?

I'd love to tell you, really I would, but I think I need another 24 hours to take a deep breath, get some perspective, and try to give the author the benefit of the doubt. I've received harsh reviews in my time and I don't want to give one unfairly. But just between you and me, I can't see my anger diminishing anytime soon. I have a feeling my critique will only grow crueller by this time tomorrow.

Until then, allow me to give you some clues to determine which book—of all the books in all the world—has made me so cranky. I wonder if you can work it out. If you do think you know the answer, jot a comment below. If you're right, you'll score yourself a copy of one of my mystery novels.* One I hope won't end up strewn across the floor in your bedroom.

Clue 1: They say imitation is the greatest form of flattery but this dame would not be impressed.

Clue 2: There's characters and there's charicatures. And then there's over-the-top codswallop.

Clue 3: When all else fails, throw in another line of French. Oui? (Non!!!!)

Clue 4: What's old is new, except when it's so bad it should never have existed.

Happy guessing everyone and may you have a more peaceful reading session in your bed tonight!

xo Christina

*Offer applies to the first 3 respondents

Teens and murder mysteries - do they mix?

The question today is: should I let my 15-year-old teenage niece read the murder mysteries I have written? She's just been given a Kindle for her birthday and is keen to download my books.

But are they appropriate? Is she too young?

Often classified as 'cozies', my crime novels actually have a little bit of offensive language in them (see blog below if you're wondering why) but other than that they really are quite cozy for adult crime novels. There's no sex of any kind, much to some reader's dismay, and the crime is relatively whitewashed. There's no major blood and gore, no sinister serial killers or, at least, the type that would keep you up at night (and by that I mean in a bad way), and no scalpel-happy pathologists slicing into corpses. They're just plot-driven puzzles, really, with a dead body at their core.

And yet I hesitate...

Before I explain why, allow me to go into a little background first.

My mystery history 
Like many crime writers, I grew up on a steady diet of mystery novels, from Enid Blyton's The Famous Five to Agatha Christie's Miss Marple and Hercule Poirot. From an early age I binge-read every mystery book I could get my greedy paws on. And I sourced my books from far and wide—from the sandy shelves of my local library (just metres from a sparkling beach that just couldn't compete) to the depths of neighbours' bookshelves. Even my friends' parents' bedside tables were not safe when I was sleeping over.

As a tweenie, I read my share of Nancy Drew and The Hardy Boys, but my particular favourite was The Three Investigators, a lesser-known series featuring three gutsy boys who solved a range of crimes, mostly involving stolen jewels or missing pirate treasure. Arrrgh! And they did it from an exotic-sounding bunker in one of the boy's junk yards. (In retrospect, the bunker must have been a dump, and a stinky, leaky one at that. But why let reality get in the way?)

From diamond heists, I graduated to murder mysteries, as I guess most mystery-lovers do. I mean, what more pressing mystery is there than 'Who killed someone or other?' But no children's authors were writing murder mysteries of any kind. Of course they weren't. This was the 1970s, after all. And so I discovered Agatha Christie and never really looked back.

I'm looking back now and I don't believe I was any younger than my neice is today when I was captivated by my first fictitious murder. In fact, I'd bet my knickerbockers and shoulder pads I was around age 13 when I picked up Christie's Evil Under the Sun.

So why hesitate to let Lili, my lovely niece, read, say, A Plot to Die For, my homage to that very novel? In my story, I have a group of well-to-do types lolling at a luxury boutique hotel when, shock horror, a murder is committed. And, as is the way with murder mysteries, it must promptly be solved by my friendly visiting Ghostwriter, Roxy Parker (think Miss Marple but a lot younger, cooler and in way better clothes).

And still I hesitate...

Is it the occasional profanity in my books? 

It can't really be that, can it? I mean, surely Lili would hear much, much worse every day on the bus, in the school yard, on her family television set. Kids today are so much savvier and more blasé than we ever were. Swear words are one thing, blasphemy wouldn't even trigger an eyebrow raise. She may not even have heard of the term, so innocuous is it in modern Australian society.

Is it the fear that she will see me in a different light? 

I'm not the straightest Aunt she has, or even the sweetest by anyone's measure, but I'm also pretty sure, at this stage anyway, that Lili doesn't consider me a madwoman whose daily job involves conjuring up weird and wonderful ways to bump people off. Does she need to know I've imagined slitting someone's throat? That I've delighted in whacking a sleazy husband over the head with his treasured golf club? That it's all in a day's work for me; that my mind is that dark? Will she start to look at me sideways next time I stop to visit, and maybe even remove the sharp knives from the kitchen drawer?

Probably not, that's a bit extreme, but nonetheless it gets you thinking.

Perhaps I'm just scared I won't live up?

It's one thing to have strangers dislike your novels, it's quite another to be on the nose with those you, well, know. Even amongst grown-ups, I have always hesitated to recommend my stuff to loved ones, or  distant friends for that matter. If they read it and despise it or, worse, get bored and stop halfway (is there any worse fate for a writer?) will that sully our relationship? Will that cloud their judgement somehow?

Forget about the knives, will Lili struggle to look me in the eye next time I come to visit?

These are all vainglorious questions, pure self-indulgence, I know that. But they're questions I ask myself each and every time I publish a new novel. And now that a beloved niece wants to read one, they're questions I wish I could answer.

Instead, I guess I'll let her decide for herself. Tell her to do as most of my readers do, and check out the synopsis, read the sample chapter and decide for herself.

But I'll also quickly add: if she decides my books are too rude, or boring or, like, total crap, please don't tell me. I don't think I want to know.

Happy (age-appropriate) reading everyone.
xo Christina

WTF (Why The Fuss?)

I swear to God, I'm still trying to get my head around some readers' adversity to cursing and profanity in my books, and for that reason, I'm embellishing on an older post I wrote some years ago explaining why there appear to be 'so many' swear words in my novels. 

I hope this goes part of the way to explaining why I drop the odd f-bomb and why I refuse to take it out, but if it still gets under your skin, feel free to get in touch and let me know (colourful language most welcome!)


xo Christina

Every now and then I get an irate reader outraged by the profanity in my books, demanding to know why I need to swear so much and refusing to read anymore of my work until I desist. 

And I don't blame them. 


There are a lot of swear words in my stories, I admit that. And while the vast majority of my book reviewers/fans seem to have no issue with it (one committed reader confessed she never even noticed until I pointed this out!), I do feel compelled to explain myself to those of you who are upset, distressed or shocked. 

It's not premeditated, I promise!


Like the aforementioned fan, I never even realised there was much profanity in my stories until an Australian expatriate now living in Canada got in touch to say she'd forgotten how much Aussies swear until she read my first novel Killer Twist, and it made her feel quite homesick! Obviously it makes some of you just feel sick, and for that I apologise. 


I never set out to intentionally upset, distress or shock anyone when I write. I am in fact just trying to compose stories that are both entertaining and realistic. Just as characters and plot lines develop and unfold as I write, foul language appears out of nowhere (well, usually from the mouths of 'baddies', although not always). It seems to be a natural, fluid process, one I can not control. Sometimes, when I read back through the copy and the bad language feels overdone or jarring, I remove it, just as I remove cliches and descriptions that don't work. But I have to confess, most of the time I barely notice it.


And the reason...


Aussies swear a (bloody) lot!

It's a truth universally acknowledged that your average Australian cusses like a trooper. It's just a fact. Listen in on any conversation on any Aussie street, in any Aussie pub or office block, and you'll hear a colourful variety of words. 'Bloody' is the common one, but they get a lot, lot worse than that. We recently had a court case here where a teenager got off for using the 'F-word' at a policeman. The judge was forced to concede that it's now so common, it can't be construed as offensive. It's everyday language whether we like it or not. And my stories are everyday Australian stories (albeit with a little murder and mayhem in the mix). I need my Aussie characters to not just be colourful, but to sound like, well, everyday Aussie characters. My editor Maria at Glossy magazine (Killer Twist, Last Writes, Dying Words) is the perfect example. She is modelled on two real-life editors I used to work with who swore a hell of a lot more than she does. A hell of a lot. I have, in fact, toned her down for the books.


Murder is okay but swearing is not? Huh?

I find it really strange that the same people who take umbrage at swear words seem to have no issue with people getting murdered in my books. Slicing someone's throat or leaving them in a dank basement to be devoured by rats is okay, but cussing is not? I'll never understand that one. Sorry, guys but these are murder mysteries, not fairytales or children's books. I think you have to expect a bit of grit when you pick one up. 


To censor or not to censor?


Hate to break it to you, but I won't take the profanity out any time soon. There really isn't that much, and to do so would be bordering on censorship. It feels contrived. It wouldn't be real. It wouldn't be honest. And it would be swapping credibility for sales. Once you start doing that, you might as well just give up and ask your readers to write it for you with all the reality taken out.

I have, however, considered publishing two versions of each book—one for the Americans who seem to be the main people who take offence, and one for everyone else. And I'm happy to do that if anyone feels strongly about it (please send me an email or leave a comment here). But I do think the real story needs to be available in one format with the real street language included for those who want, well, reality.

What do you think? Please let me know, I'd love to continue the conversation. In the meantime, happy (slightly wicked) reading everyone.

xo Christina

Write a quick review, get a free C.A. Larmer ebook!

Rock star Jed Moody has an ego the size of Mt Everest and enough enemies to fill Sydney Harbour.

So when he gets murdered on stage in front of his adoring fans, it surprises no one, except Ghostwriter Roxy Parker, that is. She's there to write his life story and now wants to know who zapped it out so viciously, and why!

So begins the sixth adventure for gutsy 'ghostie' Roxy Parker. She's a writer with a predilection for death, but this time she may be in way over her head...

Got you hooked? I hope so! If you haven't yet read A NOTE BEFORE DYING, my sixth, stand-alone Ghostwriter Mystery (and eighth book to date), then now's your chance. You not only get to enjoy Roxy's latest adventure (and I'm sure you won't be disappointed) but you'll also get the chance to score a FREE Ghostwriter Mystery of your choice. Or, if you've read them all, you can have a copy of another best-selling C.A. Larmer ebook: The Agatha Christie Book Club or An Island Lost.

And you don't even have to love it! (That's right, I want your reviews to be legit', so don't hesitate to say what you really think. I'm a big girl, I can handle it!)

The first FIVE reviewers—yep, I'm feeling generous this week, peeps —will score their free ebook. All you have to do is post your review to Amazon, then wait to hear from me. If you're one of the first five (from the date of this post), I'll get in touch via Amazon's 'comments' and offer you your prize. Alternatively, you can get in touch with me directly and demand your prize pronto!

And don't stress about reading it fast! 

This competition remains open until all five reviews are posted, and that can sometimes take months, so relax and enjoy the ride...

Any questions or concerns, jot me a quick comment below, or email me at: christina.larmer@gmail.com.

Otherwise, happy reading and reviewing, everyone! And thank you for your valuable input.

xo Christina

My next book—a Boys Own Adventure? Like, huh?!

There's something very strange going on inside me at the moment. Call it hormones, the side-effects of being a mother or just plain lunacy—but each time I see a boy, generally between the ages of 11 and 14, I can't help but stop and take notice. Sometimes I choke up, other times I spark up a conversation or just stand there, mesmerised, unable to divert my eyes. Like some sort of crazed stalker or pining, childless Aunty.

What is this sudden obsession with 'boys on the cusp' and what, pray tell, has it got to do with my writing?

As some of you know, I'm the mother of two sons (yes, aged 11 and 14, how'd you guess?) So my strange fixation may have something to do with their growing up and, perhaps, the fact that with each passing day (sleepover, soccer match...) they're growing away from me. Perhaps I am just trying to soak it all up before they are gone forever and I am left with an empty house and a yawning kind of emptiness. (No point sugar coating it, I've seen the faces of the emptynesters in my neighbourhood.)

In any case, whatever the cause, it has fostered a craving to write about boys of a certain age. I've never had the inclination before. Not even close.

Women of a certain age

When I first started writing my Ghostwriter Mystery series I was a 20-something woman living and working in Sydney. No surprises there. Sure, I didn't have Roxy Parker's cool attitude, career or hair, but the autobiographical elements were as obvious as her chunky glasses, and I was fine with that.

Around that time I also wrote about a young woman searching for her missing father in remote Papua New Guinea, and, later, started a new book series centred on two sisters who were—shock, horror—20-something women with cool attitudes, careers and hair.

My how things have changed 

While I love my ghostie and will breathe life into her for many years to come, I am finding my tastes are evolving, my need for different kinds of voices and experiences intensifying.

And so I have started a new novel, one completely different to my usual fodder. This one is a DIY murder mystery that's set in a small town and centres on the murder of a mother by her young son. Or so she thinks. She's not completely sure whodunnit but she is 100% dead so she can't search for the answers on her own. With a bright light beckoning ever closer she implores you, the reader, to help her find out before it's too late.

Did her beautiful boy kill her, as she imagines? Or is someone else responsible (oh please God!)?

Got you intrigued?

Take a look at the first few chapters of a rough draft I have been sitting on. It's posted on my Free Quick Reads blogsite. Time today is precious—did I mention my beloved, energy-sapping sons?— so I'd love to know whether the story has a wider reach.

Does it captivate you? 
Do you think I should continue and see where we end up?

While my decision will always be my own, it's nice to get feedback from the people who keep coming back to hear my stories unfold. So please, dear reader, don't hesitate to get in touch.

Happy reading, everyone!
xo Christina

Getting cozy on Facebook

Last year I was invited to join a closed Facebook support group for Cozy Mystery authors and didn't think too much about it to be honest. I simply clicked 'accept' then got on with my life, barely giving the group a second glance.

Today it's the first page I turn to on the web and the last one I check out before I go to sleep at night.

Like a bright orange life raft bobbing about in a sea of grey debris it really has been a lifesaver for my writing and a buoy for my books. I couldn't live without it, or at least, my writing career couldn't.

One hundred and fifty strong, the group is made up of an eclectic range of bestsellers and wannabes, some with dozens of novels soaring up the echarts (and numbers in the low hundreds on the Amazon Bestseller lists), others with just one book and a dream to sell to someone other than their Mum.

Yet it doesn't matter a jot. Whenever a member posts a comment, adds a link, or asks for advice, the group are ready to throw in their 'two bob's worth'. Some wax lyrical on how their digital promotions are doing (it's intriguing what works and what doesn't), others pose questions or upload their latest cover and ask what we think.

And the advice is consistently kind without being disingenuous, constructive without any malice.

One member recently reviewed one of my Ghostwriter Mysteries on her popular Italophiles blog without being asked and with such words of kindness, it brought tears to my eyes, others have suggested ways I could sell more, or reposted links to my ebook sales to help me along.

It's just a really useful and supportive bunch.

As a stay-at-home writer, this kind of group is not just invigorating, it's essential for my mental health. Whenever I feel stuck or alone or as flat as a pancake, I just tune into the group's conversation and I am reinflated. I learn something new each and every time, and am reminded I am not alone, that there are 149 other mystery writers doing exactly what I'm doing, and succeeding in their own small ways.

Whether you're an artist, a parent, a performer, a pet lover or a person with your own unique outlook on life, if you don't belong to a supportive group like this, I think you're missing out.

I was lucky this group reached out to me and embraced me with their kindness, but there's nothing to stop you from starting your own support network if you simply can't find one.

Go on, give it a go! Find your own special tribe. 

Trawl the net, look at the people around you, post a request in a likeminded chatsite. Just make sure you hook up with people who are as enthusiastic about your beloved hobby/career/pasttime as you are and will always have your back.

You will not regret the effort that it takes, and it will make your life feel a little easier afterwards.

So a big THANK YOU to my sweet Cozy Mystery group. Without you I'd still be wondering what the best promo sites are, giving books away to dodgy operators, and thinking I was all alone, standing flummoxed, while the world rushed on without me. You've grabbed my hand and you've taken me along for the ride, and I can not thank you enough.

Happy social networking everybody and may you find your own life raft.

xo Christina

Free self-publishing workshop (gotta love that!)

You've finished The Great Novel and dream of the day it goes from your dusty hard drive to the hands of hundreds of avid readers. (And I'm not talking about people you're actually related to.) 

Well, don't sit around waiting for a traditional publisher to come knocking. Why punish yourself? Do as I do and DIY. I now have eight self-published novels selling on Amazon and via Smashwords (Apple iPad, Kobo, Nook...) and am making a tidy profit from my favourite hobby, mystery writing. It couldn't be easier, really it couldn't.

Sound overwhelming?

Come along to my FREE workshop at the Northern Rivers Writers' Centre down in the heart of Byron Bay in Northern NSW, Australia, next Thursday May 14, from 5.30pm. I'll be sharing the secrets to getting your books online and discussing the opportunity to promote them at the upcoming Byron Bay Writers Festival in August.

Nowhere near Byron Bay?

Take heart, I spill quite a few of my self-publishing secrets in an earlier blog, below. Just scroll down and take a look.

Otherwise, get yourself to Byron next week; there's worse places to visit! For more info, go to the NRWC website or read on. I look forward to meeting you there.

Happy self-publishing,
Christina

SELF PUBLISHING: AN OVERVIEW WITH: CHRISTINA LARMER

• 
• 

14 May: NRWC Free Seminar
When: 5.30pm-7.00pm
Where: NRWC Office, Level 1, 28 Jonson St, Byron Bay

This is a free event please RSVP by email to penny@nrwc.org.au by 13 May

Christina Larmer has eight self published books on Amazon and Smashwords with sales in excess of 28,000 ebooks and 40,000 downloads and is now a guest blogger with Huffington Post.

Author of the popular Ghostwriter Mystery series Christina is an experienced magazine editor, journalist, fiction writer and blogger. She grew up in Papua New Guinea, forged her career in London, Los Angeles, New York and Sydney, and now freelances for national lifestyle magazines while penning novels from the hinterland behind Byron Bay.

If you are considering applying for the Self Published opportunity at the BBWF this year or would just like information on the steps to publication then come along to this FREE seminar and Christina will give you the inside story and practical skills.